How fragile can self-esteem be. I have been fighting all my life to build my self-esteem, be happy with who I am and have the confidence to live my life the way I want to. It is always an ongoing struggle. Just a small thoughtless comment from someone who is not even important in my life can make me question myself.
I grew up in a large joint family, there were so many of us, my mom, though she tried really hard could not give us individual attention. Everything was done for the collective good. I looked a little different from others, I was born darker, with unruly curly hair and was also the plump one. Things like being called “Kali” (the dark one) and “Moti” (the fat one) unknowingly worked in eroding my self confidence. No one realized how it would affect my life, not even me. There was a time during my teenage year when I hardly took any pictures, I always thought I was ugly. The only way I believed I would be accepted was if I did well in school and was the obedient one. So I worked really hard, which did help in life. It’s not that I didn’t have a great childhood, we had so much fun, we traveled and my parents are just great. They loved us unconditionally and always encouraged us to be independent. But sometimes your mind does get screwed even in the best environment.
I have been practicing mindfulness to help me deal with my issues. I focus on positive thinking and try to be satisfied with I have. This post is my way of just getting it off my chest and dealing with it. I know life is beautiful, I know I am loved, I know I am enough and I love myself. I just have to keep reminding myself.
A few days ago, I attended a session by a career coach and one thing that resonated with me was the importance of setting goals. I realised that I have never actually set goals for myself, I have just gone with the flow, sometimes even taking steps without thinking through. Does that make me less ambitious or just a run of the mill individual? So I got back home and decided to think of a short term goal and a long term goal that I could set for myself. One of my short term goal is to update my blog regularly, so that I can have a journal of my life events and thoughts. The long term goals are more difficult, I still have no idea of what I want and where I want to be in 5 years time. Should I continue the way I am, it has worked so far. I have had my highs and lows but generally I have been happy. Isn’t that the most important thing, its all so confusing. Maybe I will give it some more thought and have a long term goal written down by next week.
After surviving for 30 years , I finally learned the importance of setting goals. It was a small task but it opened my eyes. I never believed in self-help books, glad I never spent any money on it. In this world you need to help yourself, no amount of reading will do that, the motivation has to come from within ourselves, or else its of no use.
This ramble here is my way of remembering what I learned today 🙂
Mr. Vilasrao Deshmukh, the former Chief Minister of Maharashtra gets a cabinet berth. The same Mr. Deshmukh who was forced to resign after the Mumbai attacks. Widespread protest by the people as well as the media resulted in him leaving the post of the CM. Now six months later he becomes a cabinet minister, isn’t this a mockery of the Indian public? Someone who had failed to perform get a bumper bonus.
I was excited about the young brigade as they are called, young faces old surname, its so difficult for normal middle class girl/boy to break into two most public professions, films and politics. You need to have a famous surname to get a foothold, which is so sad, so much for Rahul Gandhi saying that he wants youth power, there is no representation in the cabinet. The tussel between various allies will continue. DMK supremo openly saying he wants cabinet berth for his family members. Mamta didi in spite of publicly claiming ,she does not want any cabinet berth gets Railways, well Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav is a tough act to follow, so look out Mamta di. And so the Great Indian Political Tamasha continues.