Self-esteem

How fragile can self-esteem be. I have been fighting all my life to build my self-esteem, be happy with who I am and have the confidence to live my life the way I want to. It is always an ongoing struggle. Just a small thoughtless comment from someone who is not even important in my life can make me question myself.

I grew up in a large joint family, there were so many of us, my mom, though she tried really hard could not give us individual attention. Everything was done for the collective good.  I looked a little different from others, I was born darker, with unruly curly  hair and was also the plump one. Things like being called “Kali” (the dark one) and “Moti” (the fat one) unknowingly worked in  eroding my self confidence. No one realized how it would affect my life, not even me. There was a time during my teenage year when I hardly took any pictures, I always thought I was ugly. The only way I believed I would be accepted was if I did well in school and was the obedient one. So I worked really hard, which did help in life.  It’s not that I didn’t have a great childhood, we had so much fun, we traveled and my parents are just great. They loved us unconditionally and always encouraged  us to be independent. But sometimes  your mind does get screwed even in the  best environment.

I have been practicing mindfulness  to help me deal with my issues. I focus on positive thinking and  try to be satisfied with I have.  This post is my way of just getting it off my chest and dealing with it.  I know life is beautiful, I know I am loved, I know I am enough and I love myself. I just have to keep reminding myself.

 

 

 

 

 

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Upheavals

“The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change.” Heraclitus Changes are necessary, changes are important, but they also leave upheavals behind. Even positive changes can result in a feeling of fear. Am I doing the right thing? Is this good for me in the long run? So many questions but no answers, only time will tell. But we have to move on, have to embrace the changes, because that is what is expected. that is what life is. Am I ready for the changes, I seriously don’t know, but I am accepting it, embracing it.

lost baggage and random shopping

The worst thing that can happen when you go on a holiday is when the airline mishandles your baggage, the term in the complaint form which loosely translates to I was there but my bag was somewhere in India.  I was stuck in a foreign country with nothing but a handbag with my passport, wallet, camera and a scarf.  For  a  person who hates shopping  it was double nightmarish. I had to do some  real fast shopping, which could have turned into a complete disaster if not for my very helpful friends.  Few months back , I had watched a documentary on TLC where the guy had lost his bag, and had wondered what would I do if  I faced the same situation, well got my answer , I did cope, but from now , i’ll stop wondering about freakish situations, thay have a very bad habit of coming true.

Well I did learn a few things from this episode

  • Always carry a cabin bag with a change of clothings and basic requirement.
  • Get your travel insurance done. ( I never thought it was important )
  • If you feel there is a problem , be the first to stand in queue, it took me 2 hrs just to get my complaint registered.
  • When traveling be prepared for absolutely anything.
  • Never laugh at others situation, it may come  to haunt you some day 🙂

Life does teach us a lot, now when I look back I can actually laugh at the situation , but I hope I don’t have to face it again, but then I think i’ll be able to cope come what may coz I can find humor in every situation life puts my way 🙂

$#*&5$*(#@$&$%$^

Right now I’m going through a gamut of emotions:  Happy, sad, confused, scared, apprehensive……..

Sometimes I’m soaring high, feeing ecstatic, and then the next minute I come down with a big thud, feeling all depressed. I know its not healthy but I can’t help myself, don’t know if  I’m making the right choice in life, or what the future holds for me. Its feels like I’m taking a plunge towards the unknown, will I come out of it happier, satisfied,  wiser, I hope so , I really hope so.

of birthdays and getting older

Exactly a year back I had Birthday Blues ,today morning I had a panic attack, I turned 28 , the dreaded 30 is just two years away 😦
and life is the same , pretty drab with no excitement, I am still doing the same thing I was doing last year, I have put on few kilos of weight, I no longer fit into a medium sized T-Shirt, my dream of a vacation in Singapore is still a dream, and I have still not met Mr. Right ( does he exist) Can it get worse than this? I started the day with zero expectation.

But then God must have thought, It’s her b’day today,  let it be special , I  had a great day,  my brother was the first to call me up  which is a small miracle in itself, he is always  the last,  long lost friends made expensive international calls,  I got to know that my best friend is pregnant  and  to top it all my students got a cake for me. It had been years since I had cut a cake , it was so sweet of them, made my day :).

To quote my good friend Rinchen
“Another year older, none the wiser. And we’ll live happily ever after”
I’ll continue as I am, a bit crazy ,a bit wild, eccentric, a dreamer and an optimist, who still believes that the world will get better .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Mumbai Diary : Celebrating Life

I was contemplating what should I call my travelogue- Bombay Diary or Mumbai Diary? Some of my friends prefer the Portuguese or was it English , Bombay -they are bombayite, cool, sophisticated, hip, far ahead than the rest of the county, at least in their attitude. I somehow prefer the Indian- Mumbai, and Mumbaikar , feels real, earthy and nice.

Traveling by train in India is quiet an experience, i.e. if you are well prepared for the pitfalls namely dirty toilets and hawkers irritating the hell out of you. Kudos to our railway minister , the trains seemed nicer, the toilets cleaner and lo – no hawkers. But then maybe because I was traveling by AC and through one of the best route.

It had been ages since the whole family has been together. And here we are so far away from home, all of us, celebrating life, family and the love that binds us all together. I don’t know when this will happen again , so I’m going to enjoy it to the fullest.

The last day of the year was spent walking along the marine drive with my family. Saw the Oberoi Trident, it made me shudder thinking of the carnage that took place there. But the city has bounced back, except for the TV crews focusing on the Trident and boarded windows of the hotel, rest everything was normal, people out in hoards, some walking their dogs, some with their young children, teenagers flirting, and many many family like ours , out for a stroll, glad to be alive and together to usher in the new year. I also made great use of my Sony Digital Cam, the sun setting in the Arabian sea is a great sight, the Mumbai skyline during dusk is a sight to behold.

Dusk at Mumbai
Land meets sea: Dusk at Mumbai

State of my mind

I’m confused, sad, depressed, angry with myself, feeling low,there is no brightness, no light at the end of the tunnel, and I really don’t know why it is so. I feel I am being sucked into a whirlpool, with no way out of it.  I spend my day doing nothing but playing stupid games in facebook, filling out stupid surveys,eating junk , life has suddenly lost its meaning.  I need a fresh challenge , or i’ll be lost.

Just another day of my life

Now that our small town has a FM station of its own,  that’s what we listen to on our way to work, the early morning attraction being the daily horoscope. Against the convention the show starts with Aquarius and I somehow always miss it. Today as I was early I managed to catch it. The RJ happily announced that today  Aquarians would meet the love of their life without even making an effort. It’s 8 in the evening , and I have yet to  meet my prince charming 🙂 . I hope some aquarian somewhere did. With the kind of schedule I have my social life is non existing, so I really don’t know where the love of my life will drop from.

There was a time when I was obsessed with horoscope. I would buy the new Bejan Daruwala booklet even before the current year had ended and go through all the months in advance , deciding on which was favourable for me. The first thing I would turn to in the morning newspaper was the horoscope. I no longer do it, I’ve realised its all crap. 

With the Diwali vacation approaching, I’m increasingly finding difficulty in conducting classes. Everyone is in a festive mood, not interested in studies. Playing the big bad wolf, I had announced sessional test for tomorrow & day after. Today the students were following me around asking me to  postpone it. The bad wolf act didn’t last for long and I gave in. 

I have found a great way to make them study for my test. Once they ask for postponement, I put a clause saying that , every one has to pass. Even if one student fails then the ones who have passed and got good marks will get only the minimum pass marks. It worked the last time. They study , not because they fear me , but because they fear their own classmates.  No one wants to be the guy because of whom eveyone lost their hard earned marks 🙂 . An ingenious solution, I should say 🙂

Past revisited

Today I came across my old “AUTO BOOK” as we called it then. A small note book , where wrote few lines for our friends, as was the fad then. Some of my friends had even pasted their photograph.  Going through the pages did bring back fond memories. Forgotten names and faces came back. I wonder where they all are now.  We were really innocent and childish. The cover of the book itself shows how childish I was. I actually have picture of kittens and sticker of bambi. I had not discovered rock music yet, nor models or flim stars.  Most of us wanted to be doctors then, very few ended up as one. 

One of my teacher had written

” A human being is not in any proper sense, a human being till he is educated”. 

I’m sure it must not have made any sense to me then, I was a very stupid 9 year old 🙂 , no sign of improvement there even after 18 years.   

And what acronym and rhymes , where did we actually get those from. 

I think I should put down a select few here.

ITALY                                         ABC                                 FRANCE

I- I                                            A- Avoid                          F- Friendship 

T- Trust                                    B-Bad                              R- Remains 

A- And                                      C- Company                   A- And

L- Love                                                                            N- Never

Y- You                                                                             C- Can

                                                                                        E- End

“King loves golden ship, queen loves silver ship, But I love friendship”

” I have a pen that is blue, i have a fried that is you”

“Flower is to see not to pick, friendship is to make not to break”

” Mountains can fly, rivers can dry, you can forget me but never can I”

So tacky , but then we were stupid 9- 10 year old girls, Cable TV was not a reality , we had not discovered rock music. No internet. As compared to now life was pretty boring.  So maybe this was our way of making it interesting.

snapsht of AUTO BOOK
snapshot of AUTO BOOK