How fragile can self-esteem be. I have been fighting all my life to build my self-esteem, be happy with who I am and have the confidence to live my life the way I want to. It is always an ongoing struggle. Just a small thoughtless comment from someone who is not even important in my life can make me question myself.
I grew up in a large joint family, there were so many of us, my mom, though she tried really hard could not give us individual attention. Everything was done for the collective good. I looked a little different from others, I was born darker, with unruly curly hair and was also the plump one. Things like being called “Kali” (the dark one) and “Moti” (the fat one) unknowingly worked in eroding my self confidence. No one realized how it would affect my life, not even me. There was a time during my teenage year when I hardly took any pictures, I always thought I was ugly. The only way I believed I would be accepted was if I did well in school and was the obedient one. So I worked really hard, which did help in life. It’s not that I didn’t have a great childhood, we had so much fun, we traveled and my parents are just great. They loved us unconditionally and always encouraged us to be independent. But sometimes your mind does get screwed even in the best environment.
I have been practicing mindfulness to help me deal with my issues. I focus on positive thinking and try to be satisfied with I have. This post is my way of just getting it off my chest and dealing with it. I know life is beautiful, I know I am loved, I know I am enough and I love myself. I just have to keep reminding myself.